I just need to know that I can breathe
by the'nvisiblegirl
Summary: Emma did not make it through the wardrobe and Regina finds her in the castle, ready to kill her in order to secure her curse. But looking at the little girl, she surprisingly can't, so she takes her to Storybrooke with her.
1. Prologue

"The child…?" The queen's voice was hoarse, dangerous, in an attempt to try to hide how afraid she actually was; afraid, she might fail after all. Maybe Snow White and her stupid prince had found a way to get their baby out of harm's way. Probably they had been worried sick and sleepless, desperate to find a solution. "She is next door," one of her knights said and relief flooded her body. She needed to kill her, she knew she did. It was the only way to secure her curse, to make sure that, after all, she got her well-deserved happy ending. Just one more murder, one more death. Having slayed enough people to have lost track of the actual number years ago, how much more of a difference would it make? How hard could it be? A cakewalk.

As she hovered over the little bundle, she looked at the small figure, _really_ looked at the baby girl beneath her, who wasn't the least afraid or terrified; all she did was study Regina. Study Regina with big eyes, colored in the most perfect mixture of blue and green imaginable. They reminded her of the lake at which Regina had first kissed her true love, her Daniel, a long time ago. A time when she had been blithe. And had still believed in happy endings. But now all there was was hurt. Bitterness. Solitude. And the craving for revenge.

She raised one hand, holding it just mere centimeters over the child, _Emma_, apparently, ready to use her magic to end the pathetic life before it could even really begin, when the little girl reached up to grab Regina's slender pointer finger with her own chubby ones. A giggle escaped her lips, toothless smile on her face. Regina froze completely. This was supposed to be easy; it should even be fun to be able to finally take away Snow White's happiness. But it was not; not even a bit.

This tiny human being had done nothing wrong, whatever she might do in the future aside. Her only fault had been to be born to the wrong parents. Or maybe it was just the wrong time. With another family, in another era, she could have been happy, she could have lived a long, fulfilled life. Unfortunately, not here, not now.

Regina could feel the curse coming closer, evolve its magic, and she knew she needed to do it, needed to kill her enemies child; now or never. It was hard, though, with the baby still holding on tight to her finger, smiling, babbling. Again, she focused her gaze on Emma, forced herself to hate this innocent person enough to use her cruelest magic on her. She couldn't.

In her head, she could hear the voice of her mother. Her mother, who had tormented her her whole life, had forced her into a loveless marriage for her own good. She was telling her how weak she was, how much of a coward. That she was not good enough, had never been good enough and would never be. Regina hated her; she hated Cora for all she had done to her. She was the one who deserved death, not Emma.

A single tear escaped Regina's eyes, making its way down her cheek, finally falling from her face and landing right on the baby's forehead. Surprised, she squeezed her eyes shut for a moment, contorting her face. Without another thought, Regina picked the petite bundle up. She was stunned by her own empathy, which she thought she had long lost, but this was different; _Emma_ was different.

Pressing the girl to her chest tightly, she could feel the curse hit. The ground was shaking, everything around her was falling apart, while she was taken to another land. A land, where she would finally and ultimately get her long-awaited happy ending.


	2. 1983

White. That was the first thing she saw opening her eyes; a white ceiling. Followed by more white as in the sheets surrounding her. The bed she was lying in was quite big, same applied to the whole room, which hopefully was what she thought it had to be: her bedroom from now on; in the new world that was her happy ending. She already liked it a thousand times better than the Enchanted Forest. It was a lot more comfortable, a lot more luxurious; a lot more _Regina_.

Getting up, she noticed the grey silk pajamas, which were feeling cool against her smooth skin. Not a patch on the hideous woolen sleeping gowns she used to wear, itching and scratching on every part of her body possible. For just a second a slight shock rose up inside her when her hands made their way up to her hair. It was short. As preposterous as it might sound, her hair had always been a thing she had been proud of, she had liked about herself. It had also been something Leopold had been fond of when it came to her, though. Suddenly she was glad it was gone, it was different; _she_ was different.

Quickly, she made her way to one of the windows, framed by elegant, floor length curtains. A small city was literally at her feet. _Her_ city. This was it, this was her victory, her happy ending. Everything she had ever dreamed of and more had become reality. She had defied everyone; her mother, _Rumpelstiltskin_, Maleficent. "I did it. I won," escaped her lips, breathlessly, before they turned into a triumphant smirk.

She was just standing there in front of the big window, completely content with herself and the world. Until a demanding cry cut through the peaceful silence. Head jolting up, her gaze wandered around the room, scrutinizing, trying to make out the source of this noise. Eventually, she figured it must come from a room down the hall. Anger started boiling in her guts. How could anyone dare to disturb her current peace of mind? This was _her_ happy ending. The door crashing against the wall with a loud 'Bang!', when she opened it, she stormed into the room right next to hers. It was a nursery, apparently; light green walls, dark brown, almost black, furniture, an armchair in the corner and plush toys here, there and everywhere. That was when it hit her like a ton of bricks. _Emma._

Five minutes. She had been staring at the little girl in the crib for five minutes already. Well, it was rather glaring by now. What she had even expected would happen when she had picked the baby up back in the Enchanted Forest, she wasn't sure. But it probably had not been… this. The tiny bundle was still crying as if being tortured, which Regina could not deny gave her some sort of vicious gree, but at the same time let a slight headache creep its way to her temples. It was simply annoying. "Be quiet already!" She hissed, raising a hand to massage her forehead. This was not what she had signed up for and regret over not killing the child right away bubbled to the surface. Again, her weakness had gotten the better of her.

Who was she even kidding, she was no mother; she was the Evil Queen. The cruelest of them all, with magic so powerful, she was feared throughout every bit of every realm that existed. But, apparently, she was not able to do what should be the easiest task of them all. There was no reason to hesitate, there had never been one.

The question, why she had been able to rip out her father's heart, the heart of the man who had always loved her, _really_ loved her, no matter what, even though he had been a coward not standing up to her domineering mother, without batting an eye, but she had been unable to bring herself to annihilate the child of her worst enemy and the greatest threat to her curse, to her happy ending, never once crossed her mind. It was quite wry if you thought about it. Pusillanimous even. But maybe, just maybe, somewhere deep down there was the hope for a fresh start in all of this. A fresh start with Emma. A fresh start with _her_ baby.

A family had always been her dream, after all. Beneath all the anger, the fury, the vindictiveness, she had been craving for someone at her side all along. Someone, who would love her, like Daniel had, even after all the terrible things she had done. Someone, who would give her a child. Someone, who would make her forget; forget her past, the dysfunctional relationship to her own mother, the remorse about killing her own father. A fresh, new start, that was exactly what it came down to. That was what she needed. But probably she just did not deserve that.

Not able to bear the crying only a second longer, Regina finally reached out to take Emma into her arms. At this point, all she was, was deep down exasperated. Exasperated by her own failure. Exasperated by the baby in her arms. She should have just killed her when she had the chance. It would have been easier; safer. It would have been the right thing to do. The villain way. But apparently she was too weak to be an actual villain. Her heart might be as black as the sky by night, however there seemed to still be a spark of empathy left. A spark of humanity. A spark of love.

Emma calmed down in less than two seconds. Now completely quiet, she just looked at the woman holding her, whose ire collapsed like a house of cards in the wind. She hated herself for savoring this; for savoring holding Emma in her arms, feeling the little fingers wrapped tight around her own, seeing the content smile on the tiny, pale lips. It warmed her heart. A heart, so black and cold, it would probably make no difference if it was not in her chest at all. For years, she just did not feel at all. She made herself feel nothing, not care, just to stay even remotely sane. Again, though, it was different now; it was different with Emma.

No. She could not do this. She could not _allow_ herself to do this. It was just an illusion; a lie. A lie, that could cost her everything. The little girl in her arms would grow up to break her curse, to ruin her life. So she needed to do what she had always done: bury her feelings so deep down inside of herself, locking them up behind walls so high, they would never come up to the surface again. Emma was not her daughter, Regina was not her mother; Emma was an obstacle on which she needed to keep a close eye. It simply was self-protection to raise her. Nothing more.


End file.
